Ash's Kanto Extravaganza
by TheBlueFlygon
Summary: After Sinnoh, Ash revisits Kanto at age 17, aiming to become champion & hand Lance his ass back to him. Accompanied by his classic ethnically ambiguous bestie & a blonde champion who got given the personality of a paper towel, he'll aim to not be the very worst there ever was. Strong language, sexual references, slightly offensive jokes. Rayshipping, maybe probably. Enjoy.
1. Ash Gets Plastered

**Ash; 17 Brock; 20 Dawn; 14 Cynthia; 18 Strong language ahead. Enjoy ;).**

* * *

"Holy balls Ash, you lost again. You sure are shit house of a trainer." The Pokémon centre was buzzing with people from all over the globe, nursing their Pokémon from injuries sustained at the Lily Of The Valley Conference.

"Fuck you Brock, I fingered a Nurse Joy that one time you were off bumping uglies with your Geodude." Ash shouted back at the ethnically ambiguous Breeder. He sulked in a corner, mumbling something about how it was " _only that one time_ " and he " _didn't even enjoy it_."

Dawn, who was rightfully horrified by this language, piped up. "What the heck guys? I've never heard you guys talk like this!" She was in general mortified. She'd just seen Ash lose 6-2, to a ridiculously powerful trainer that she was pretty sure wasn't even allowed to enter Darkrai and Latios. She was almost certain they were Ubers, and like, that's _totally unfair_ dude.

Okay, so Latios was apparently OU according to Smogon - um, her Pokédex, but it still felt like a cheap shot. That dirt-bag Tobias running out there with his Uber Darkrai and his 4 set Dark Void, Dark Pulse, Shadow Punch, Jerk Off, rinse, repeat and she was kinda surprised the old fart Goodshow let it slide.

"Me and Ash do it every year! Every time he gets knocked out of a tournament, so like twice a week, we go on the piss up and roast each other till we can't feel pain because there's too much Jynx Daniels in our blood!"

"Wasn't he like eleven at the Indigo Plateau?!" Dawn's face contorted into one of worry, despair, and confusion.

"Yeah, that's why he's never full developed. Ain't that right Ash, your little Pokécock is only about three inches."

Ash snorted. "Yeah, three inches off the ground. Meanwhile you can't even get Brock hard."

"I told you about my Sudowoodo dysfunction privately!"

"Yeah, well, tough shit."

"Can you two just stop? It's only 4 in the afternoon Ash, aren't you gonna vow to do better in Unova and get on the next flight to Pallet so you can visit your Arceus forsaken Mother for a total of six minutes before jumping back on the 'I wanna be a Pokémon master' bandwagon and hauling your ass across to a different continent while neglecting all your Pokémon and previous companions until the vicious cycle starts again?" Dawn drawled in a monotonous voice, taking a deep breath afterwards.

Suffice to say, Ash looked at her with a bored expression. "Not right now tuts. Now get your pretty little ass over here and let me stick a hand up your skirt. You're less plump than May, but you'll do." He reached a hand out grabbing at her. Dawn scurried out of arms reach while Brock scolded Ash on women wanting romance and not just another greasy guy.

Ash told him to fuck off and put his fedora back on, greasy, ethnically ambiguous neckbeard he was. In his words: "Women already have a Skitty, they don't need another one."

"Hey Ash! Congratulations on making it to third place in the conference." The new voice of Cynthia rang out to the group who seemed generally uninterested in her arrival. "The guy in fourth place forfeited the semi-final match, so ta-da, you get a by. Here's your bronze medal and complimentary pat on the back, maybe you'll do better next time. You know I won the Sinnoh league and became Champion the fifth time round. Maybe you could go back and do Kanto."

"Cynthia, shut the fuck up." Ash said in an annoyed voice.

"Hey!" Cynthia pouted, while Brock and Dawn were wondering why he didn't have a Garchop biting off his goddamned face at the moment.

"I _at least_ deserve a complimentary handjob!" Cynthia snorted. He grabbed her by the cuff of her back coat and brought her in within an inch of his face.

"Listen here ya little slut, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do." He pointed a finger with his other hand at her and looked her dead set in the eyes. "I'm going back to Kanto. I'm going back to my mom and I'm gonna cry for like at least four to five business days. Then, I'm getting the entire team back together, and we are going round Kanto. And I'm not doing it with NO bullshit this time."

"That's a double negative!" Someone shouted it the background.

"Shut the fuck up!" Ash barked back. "I'm gonna beat all of the gym leaders in like two weeks, including your little gay-ass brother Brock," Brock shrugging in slight agreement, "And Misty with her dyke hair cut."

"Still bang though." Brock chimed in.

"Still bang for sure." Ash affirmed. There was a short space of silence. Ash finally released Cynthia, who straightened herself out and fought off a blush.

"I'm not even a slut! I'm a virgin!" Cynthia protested.

"Boohoo, Slag McSlagface, you've still got your _Do Not Consume If Fresh Seal Is Broken_ intact. Too bad your _Best Before Date_ is, like, FAST approaching. Aren't you like 40?" Ash retorted.

"I'm only a year older than you!" She protested.

"So you're an 18 year old champion who dresses like she just walked out of a Goth's wet dream. You ever heard of like, an H&M or something? Earth tones? Ripped jeans? Literally any shade that's not dark black?" She shrugged. "I need companions. Brock, you're in right?" He nodded.

"I was gonna do some gay shit like become a Pokémon Doctor so I could perv on the Nurse Joys, but that can wait till like next year or something."

"What's the age of consent in Kanto again?" Ash asked the breeder. He'd know, the pervert.

"15."

"Shit, Dawn, you're only 14. You can join back once your birthday rolls around. Or, like, you can go play pokédolls with Kenny or something?"

"Fuck you Ash Ketchum."

"One more year before that's legal baby." He clicked finger guns style.

"I'm going back to Twinleaf, anyway, then I'll do the Hoenn festivals."

"Say hi to Johanna and her busty rack for me while you're there." She shot him daggers. "Well Brock, it's me, you, and this fat piece of shit." Cynthia was about to throw a tantrum when she realised he was pointing at Pikachu being brought over in a tray, fully healed. Dawn was pulling Brock back from groping a Nurse Joy who seemed half way horrified, but somewhat complimented.

"What do you say, buddy. Ready to go fuck some Indigo Plateau up? Ready to get some Pokétail while we are at it?" Pikachu responded with some form of a Pikachu "hell yeah", so Ash was pretty much decided. "Alright, We'll leave tomorrow. They won't let me on the ferry when I'm plastered like I am now." Brock agreed, doing another shot.

"We still don't have an attractive female companion though." The ethnically ambiguous -do you know what, he looks Asian. I'm gonna go ahead and say Japanese, since ethnically ambiguous is way too long a word. Cynthia looked hopeful, anyway.

"Of course you would worry about someone to perv on, ya dirty Filipino." The South Korean shrugged. "Hmm, let's see...Misty's got a gym, May's off bumming Drew- or wait, is Drew gay.." He wondered into the air. "Dawn's kind of boring..." The Bluenette made an annoyed sound. "Daisy Oak is quite fit, but she's Gary's older sister and I don't know how contagious chlamydia is...do you reckon an STD and softcore porn fetish runs in the family?"

"A Nurse Joy or Officer Jenny would be a fine addition to finish a trio." Brock pitched in. "But they all have full time jobs."

"Claire is too busy shagging her Dragonair to leave Blackthorn, Sabrina's too fucking weird..." Ash pondered.

"Hey guys?" Cynthia pitched in.

"Erika is freaky and she smells kind of weird. Annabelle is literally obsessed with you." Brock said.

"Guys?" Cynthia tried again.

"Flannery is too hot headed, Lorelei is too cool.."

"GUYS!" Cynthia shouted.

"Fucking what mate?" Ash shouted back at her, trying not to break his train of thought.

"Could I travel with you?" Cynthia asked. Brock and Ash magically transformed into detectives.

Brock lifted a magnifying glass.

"Name: Cynthia. Occupation: Champion."

Ash put a hand to his chin. "Bra size: 34D. Colour of panties currently wearing:...bright pink. Didn't expect that from a goth. Oh, and little frilly bows. That's cute. Are they Victini's Secret? Why, yes they are."

Cynthia put one hand to cover her bosoms and the other her lower half. "How the fuck did you know that? I'm clothed, you pervs!" She blushed hard.

They took little notice.

Brock took a deep breath in. "Advantages: Powerful. Nice ass. Good to train with. Nice ass. Could increase the experience in the group. Nice ass. Could help wingman us with other girls. Nice ass. Disadvantages: Boring as a wet-wipe. Old enough to have started her period, unlike the other minors. Well, not Misty. She was constantly on the rag. Anyway - if I get caught sniffing her panties, her Garchomp will Draco Meteor the shit out of me. But." He paused.

"She has a nice ass." Ash finished his sentence for him. He'd somehow teleported behind the blonde and slapped her on the left butt cheek, watching it jiggle, while she let out a small squeal in surprise. "I like her bitch noise." Ash said to Brock, who nodded his head in agreement. "Don't you have like, Champion duties or something better to do than traveling half way around a country with one sexy raven haired fellow and his ugly Thai best friend?"

"Nah. I'm bored as shit. Plus, there's ruins in Kanto to explore."

"Disadvantage: likes rocks." Ash said.

"That's an advantage to me." Brock countered.

"Advantage: she'll get me rock hard." Ash said over Dawn muttering he was a pervert.

Ash shrugged. "Alright, you'll do, as long as I get a nude on SnivyChat off you like twice a fortnight. No filters."

"No screenshots." Cynthia countered.

"No promises." Ash pointed out.

"Fine, I'm in. Now, sober up so I can murder you both for your comments on the ferry to Kanto."

* * *

 **'Sup, bitches. Yeah, this is a new story that I'll probably never finish. If you like it and want to see more, review you bastards.**

*faint voice* **"What about Electrifying Ash?"**

 **Shut the fuck up, that's what. God that story is _trash._ If I ever get round to it I'll edit like every chapter and cut out all the unnecessary dialogue and complicated plot twists that I thought of when I was 12, and finish that fucker off once and for all. Bane of my life.**

 **Peace out motherfuckers.**

 **S**


	2. Ash Goes To Pallet

**Welcome back bitches. This chapter is a little more tame.**

* * *

"Son-of-a-Stoutland, what did we do last night?" Ash woke up holding his head, blinking to block out the light.

"Who knows? Anything could've happened. You could've slapped the Sinnoh Champion's ass while talking about her underwear for all I know." His ethnically ambiguous best friend said, also in a state of disarray.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." Ash squinted, trying to get a hold of their surroundings. It seemed he was inside a Pokécentre bathroom, inside the tub. He picked up an empty beer bottle that was lying on his stomach and placed it on the side of the tub. Brock laid across the tiled floor, head propped up against the toilet.

"I think I might join you." His friend recoiled on the floor, trying to keep down his stomach.

"Where's Pikachu?" Ash asked in quick realisation, looking around in panic for his yellow best friend.

"He's with me." Ash and Brock both turned at the source of the new voice. Unfortunately for the Cambodian, he moved slightly too quickly and ended up regurgitating his food into the toilet bowl.

"Cynthia?" Ash was fairly uncertain as he was still waking up. The tall blonde figure had Pikachu in her arms.

"Yes, it's me you drunkards. Now hurry up and get changed, Dawn's ferry is leaving in an hour and ours is leaving in two."

"Ferry?" Both men groaned. Sea sickness and the S.S. Anne always left bad memories.

* * *

"So I can't really remember what happened last night. _Did we...?_ " Ash left hanging.

"No Ash, we didn't." Dawn replied, her ferry boarding. "It was really great to travel with you, and maybe I'll meet up with you in Kanto once I beat the Hoenn Grand Festival!"

"Kanto? I thought I was going to Unova?" He looked at Brock. Brock shrugged. "Eh, Kanto will be cool. Take care Dawn, and you Piplup. Say hi to Johanna for me?"

"And her big rack!" Brock added from the background.

Dawn walked backwards onto the ferry, waving goodbye with one hand and flipping off Brock with the other.

Ash turned back to Brock and Cynthia. "So _what_ exactly happened last night?"

"I'll explain to you on ferry. And I'll also give both of you a great explanation on why if either of you ever speak to me like that again, you're getting a draco meteor where the sun don't shine."

Both Ash and Brock gulped.

* * *

"So you're telling me I then slapped your ass?" Ash said. "To test it's jiggle ability?'

"Yes! It was extremely embarrassing to be degraded in front of lots of people!"

"I wouldn't wash that hand if I were you." Brock low-key high-fived him, but both boys quickly settled down when they saw her reaching for Garchomp's Pokéball.

"Okay, I'm really sorry about that." Ash sounded sincere enough.

"Thank you. I accept your apology."

"You also have a very nice ass. Ten out of ten, extra points for good jiggle ability, would slap again." He sounded slightly less sincere.

"Fuck you." Cynthia said is monotonous tone. Ash and Brock kind of just shrugged.

"Hey Brock, wanna go hit on Captain Jenny and Yacht Attendant Joy?"

"Hell yeah. But first, let me go to the bathroom and puke, the brush my teeth."

The boys sauntered off, leaving a fuming Cynthia in place.

* * *

"Finally! My home nation! Kantooooo! UKIP! UKIP! UKIP!" Brock chanted as he got off the boat, making praying gestures at the land on the harbour. Other people watched his distastefully.

"He supports the United Kanto Independence Party?" Cynthia asked Ash.

"Yeah. Says he's tired of having to work under a Champion that's not even from here. To be fair, Lance is kind of a dick. G-men this. G-men that. _Look at me, I'm Lance and I caught a dratini when I was 6 years old with my bare hands._ " Ash did the last bit in a silly, high pitched voice, waving his hands around.

" _I shag Lorelei and control two regions, oooooo._ " Brock joined in.

"He's my cousin." Cynthia stated plainly.

"I don't see your point." Brock answered.

"Fair enough." The three gathered their belongings and started to hit the road to go towards Pallet Town.

"Cynthia, are you sure you want to travel with us? I mean don't you have more important things to be doing?" Ash questioned.

"Honestly, no. For the next two years I'll be waiting for Tobias to get through the Elite 4 before our challenge match. I have almost no paper work. Being a champion is boring. Why do you think I stalk trainers half way across Sinnoh?"

"You stalked me?"

"Um...no?" Cynthia went red.

"Hey Brocko! Cynthia stalked me!" Brock leaned next to Cynthia.

"Ooooo. Someone's got a crush!"

"Wait a second, that's not what I said..." Ash now went red at the implication.

"Aw, you two are sweet. No making love without protection on this trip. I don't have enough materials to cook for four." Ash and Cynthia both turned away, Cynthia muttering about how she was a virgin, and Ash about how he only made love without protection. "Oh yeah Ash, we get to visit your hot mom."

"Piss off Brock."

"Ash's mom is hot?" Cynthia asked.

"Totally." Brock made the okay symbol with his fingers. "She cooks, she cleans, she's banging. I always search Delia Ketchum every time I'm on Pokéhub just in case she's filmed a shoot."

"Brock, if you don't shut it, I'm totally gonna shag your 6 sisters when they're legal."

"Jokes on you, they're ugly as fuck."

"Hey! That's mean!" Cynthia scolded the older man. Brock rolled his eyes.

"Anyway, there's my house." Ash pointed to a small cottage in the distance. "Now listen, my mom doesn't think I'm anything but as pure as an Ash in a 'Ho-Oh thinks I'm the chosen one' fiction, so don't say anything, okay?"

Cynthia nodded. "What's a chosen one -"

"Don't ask." Ash cut her off.

"Ash here has a cult following online by all the obsessed 12 year olds who start writing fanfiction about his journey. How crazy is that?"

"You know, I think in some of my fan mail I received stuff like that."

"Most of the time it's about Ash winning a league, which let's be honest that is ridiculously farfetch'd. This one time I caught Max reading some on his Pokénav, pretty grim stuff. It was about Ash catching a Gardevoir, her learning how to speaking telepathically, Ash and Gardevoir fall in love and then -"

"Nope, nope, nopety, nope, nope, here's my house."

Ash kicked the front door in, breaking the lock.

"What up mom, I'm home!"

"Doesn't he have a key?" Cynthia asked Brock. Brock shrugged.

Delia was not in sight. Mr Mime temporarily stopped sweeping the floor and pointed upwards. Ash's mom came scurrying down the stairs in a towel.

"Oh Ash, I'm glad your home!" Ash was being squeezed in between the woman's chest. "I'm just going to get changed and I'll be right down."

"You're right, Ash's mom is a MILF." Cynthia said to Brock. She could've sworn she saw Mimey lick his lips and shudder as the elder Ketchum ascended the stair case.

"Shut up, otherwise I'll shag your nan."

"Ew. My nan is old."

"I'd do her just to say the Shirona family has Brock DNA in it." Brock helpfully added.

Delia came rushing back down the stairs, fully clothed, in tight fitting mom jeans and a top.

"Ash." She said plainly to him. "Is this your girlfriend?" Before Ash could respond his mother was already clinging on to Cynthia, telling her how beautiful she was and how she was so glad Ash finally found someone. Brock and Mimey just looked jealous.

"Mom, that's -"

"I'm so glad you're not gay. I need like, 8 grandkids so you guys need to start."

"Mom, wait, she's -"

"Seriously Ash, I thought you needed to get laid, you love Pokémon too much. I thought I was gonna find you beating it to a Lopunny."

"Mom, Cynthia isn't my girlfriend."

"You got married without me?"

"No." The champion and Ash answered the same time.

"You got engaged without telling me?"

"Definitely not." Again in unison.

"Oh, well shit Ash, maybe you are a gay. Sorry." Delia seemed disappointed.

"Mom," Ash said trying to keep a straight face. "While Cynthia is pretty hot-" Cynthia blushed- "She is just a travelling companion. I'm going around Kanto again, I'm going to try to win the Indigo Plateau. She's also the Sinnoh champion."

"Strong, beautiful, and she has good breeding hips. For once she's older than you." Ash looked like he was about to interject, but his mom quickly added: "And not red haired."

Ash nodded his head side to side, In somewhat agreement.

"So yeah, maybe tap this one." Delia said rather nonchalantly.

"Mom!"

"Fine, I'll stop. Who wants dinner?"

* * *

Ash had a similar problem at the Oak Ranch.

"So you're telling me you're not hitting the Sinnoh Champ?"

"No Gary, for the eighth time. I'm not 'hitting' Cynthia. And if you don't shut up I'll 'hit' Daisy."

Gary ignored Ash;s last comment, before he turned to Cynthia. "You got any STDs?"

Cynthia recoiled at the question. "Uh, no."

"You want one?" Gary asked her with a wink.

"ANYWAY." Ash got between them with his hands outstretched, seemingly protecting Cynthia, even if her head did pop out. Didn't help that Cynthia was still about an inch taller than Ash. "Where's the old man?"

* * *

Professor Oak was chatting to the Sinnoh champ. "So Cynthia, how's your grandmother doing? Is she still single, or...?"

"Absolutely not."

"You know, us Oaks are known for our robustness and length. And I'm not talking about the tree."

Cynthia was trying visibly hard not to be sick.

"I could be Ash's 'Step-Grandfather-in-law."

"For the last time, Ash and I are not having sex." Cynthia sounded angry. The two Oaks and Brock mumbled that they understood.

"Yet." Ash piped up, forcing a smirk from Gary and a glare from Cynthia. "Anyway, yeah Professor I plan on just training my old Pokémon up instead of catching loads of new ones. I'll probably pick up one or two, then I'll probably pick up some girls too." Oak nodded his head in agreement.

"You want me to break all league rules so you can carry all of your Pokémon at one time?"

"Absolutely."

"Consider it done." The Elder Oak snapped his fingers. "So Ash, how's your mom doing...?

"Absolutely not." Ash mimicked from Cynthia.

* * *

 **That's it. Pretty much a filler, tried to get some comedy in. Then again, three quarter of the anime is filler...Hope you enjoyed. You want more, more quickly? Review.**

 **You heard me?**

 **W**

 **Peace**


	3. Ash Gets Past Route One

**( . Y . ) Here are some tits to start the story right.**

* * *

" _I wanna be the very best, like no one ever -_ "

"Lame." Ash yawned as he scrolled through his Pokédex.

"Hey asshole, don't interrupt my singing." Cynthia replied, opening her mouth to start again.

" _I wanna be -_ "

"I mean, the song did come out in like ninety eight. I remember listening to it on the way to get Pikachu." Ash said, kicking at the dirt.

"It's a classic! Plus, if you you were ten in ninety eight, aren't you like thirty something now?" Cynthia protested.

"I mean, it's not even the best theme. Like, at all. The one I listened to while beating Frontier-ass is by far cooler, and that was done by a Kanto band. Oh yeah, and I age however I want to, because fuck you that's why."

"Can you two stop arguing? I mean we are two minutes on to Route One, and I'm not putting up with this all the way to the Indigo Plateau."

All three walked in silence. It was a sunny Kantonion day, with not a cloud or spearow in sight. Ash could hear the pidey chirping and wept silently for his Pidgeot (who he never went back for, like seriously, what the fuck dude, not cool. At all.). The dirt path was slowly transcending into more grass and the wild began to take over the city.

Ash was wearing his classic Kanto set up, even if it was like three sizes too small. Or at least he would be, if his mom didn't tell him that he looked ridiculous and got him to change into some clothes that actually fit, and to make sure he actually washed them this time because there were ladies to be impressed. Now, clothed in sneakers, black jeans and a red hoodie, as well as a classic sun hat, he thought he looked pretty badass.

Until Brock asked why he looked like he was trying to cosplay Red. Cynthia liked it though, so it wasn't all too bad. Plus, it got Delia's approval and his mother was a scary damn sight when it didn't get her approval. He remembered the time he told his mom he kissed May at Christmas.

Never underestimate the power of an angry mother. She rewrote his history, like literally, completely erasing that event from his English time line. (Somewhere, in an alternate universe, Satoshi sneezed. Shirona said bless you.)

"Hey Cynthia, aren't you roasting inside that black coat? It's like thirty five degrees outside. I reckon I could fry an Exeggcute on the pavement." Ash asked, trying not to start another fight.

"Ugh, forgot you Kantonian's use Celsius. Bet you use metres too, huh?"

"Just because the metric system is inherently better and makes more sense..." Ash muttered under his breath.

"But yes, to answer your question, I'm sweating like a Nosepass in a concentration camp."

"Or like a Lopunny in a Church." Brock somewhat helpfully added.

"So why don't you take the coat off?" Ash asked her.

"First of all, this is my **look.** " Ash rolled his eyes. "Secondly, I have a smoking hot body and do you think I want to be hit on twenty-four seven by disgusting men twice my age?"

Ash gave her a sideways glance. "You're travelling with Brock."

"Good point. Eh, fuck it." She pulled off her coat, stuffing it into her bag, revealing a black crop top on matching high waisted jeans, and her regular black boots. "You know, I see why I'm a sex symbol now." She said to herself.

"So do I..." Mumbled Brock through his saliva, getting some drops on the floor.

"Fucken' virgins." Ash said loudly, earning a smack from Cynthia. "Ah fuck, this seems strangely familiar. Oh yeah, Brock, this is where I met Misty for the first time and killed like 230 spearow or something. Ain't that right 'Chu?"

Pikachu gave a happy Pokémon sounding sound as they passed the big lake where Misty had fished them out.

"You killed spearow?"

"To be fair, we didn't eat them."

"Not the point."

* * *

"I can't believe we made it to Viridian without any ridiculous encounters." Brock told Ash.

They had made it to the Viridian City Pokémon Centre with no problems, apart from having to kill one or two spearow to show Cynthia how great Kantocky Fried Spearow was. Ash was walking back from the video phone after a chat with his mother, where she told him for the fourth time that it was okay if he didn't use a condom with Cynthia as long as he got her pregnant at some point, and named the first born or youngest daughter after her. Delia determinedly refused to believe there wasn't anything going on behind the scenes.

"I know. I kind of half expect Team Rocket to come bursting through the doors or something." The trio waited in silence in their large plush chairs.

"Phew." Said Cynthia, letting out a breath. "I for sure thought the powers of foreshadowing were totally gonna -"

" **PREPARE FOR TROUBLE.** "

"Oh, _piss off_." Ash heard Brock say as the doors of the centre burst wide open.

"...Make it double." James sounded sad.

"Hey dude, not really up for it huh?" Ash asked him.

"Yeah Ash, it's like - uh Twerp, it's not been the same with the Boss away." The two brightly coloured humans and the talking cat were sobbing together.

"Last time we saw him he was headed to Johto. That was like five years ago!" Jessie added inbetween tears.

"Rumours are he offed himself after the second collapse of Team Rocket, 'das right."

"But no one told us till we got back and we got the Team Rocket HQ voicemail!" James said, holding up his phone. A mechanical voice read out:

' _ **Thanks for contacting Rocket HQ for all your poaching, stealing, and crime doing needs. Unfortunately, we are kind of in a mess here - what do you mean that sounds unprofessional? Piss off mate it's going on! Anyway, thank you, yada yada, we lost Big G, and without Gio we don't know what to do, so uh, call back in like three to five business days?**_ '

"That's been on loop for like three months." Jessie was crying hysterically now.

"Sucks." Cynthia said.

"Das right." Meowth added sadly.

"Why don't you three go to Johto and look for him? I mean I can't finish my journey without the eighth gym leader..."

"That's a great idea!" James brightened up.

"Das right!" Meowth added enthusiastically.

"Let's go right now!" Jessie finalised with a new tone of resolve in her voice.

All three rushed out of the centre and headed straight for the balloon, before ascending into the sky.

There was a short silence.

"Did we just manage to get rid of Team Rocket till like near the end of the journey?" Brock asked.

"Das right!" Added Ash, staring directly into a camera and winking while the audience laughed.

Cynthia looked very confused. "Who are you speaking to? Where did that camera come from? Why is there random laughter ahhhhh -"

* * *

" _It's the battle frontier -_ "

Cynthia was singing again.

"For the love of Arceus, first I get rid of the Rockets. Secondly, I drag Brock from Joy, then from Jenny. Thirdly, I put up with Pikachu hitching a free ride everywhere - seriously you fat hamster you have legs!" He shouted the last part upwards at the sleeping rodent. "Now I have to put up with the Sinnoh Champion's off-key singing? If there is a hell, this is it!"

It was late in afternoon, and the gang had set off to start their journey so they could camp out in Viridian Forest, just like Ash's first night. They had made good headway for a first day walking, and would stop once they got to an appropriate camping spot.

" _It's the best you can be..._ " Brock added.

Ash just groaned.

* * *

"...And that's how I got permanently banned for Lavaridge Hot Springs." Brock finished telling his story to Cynthia, who looked fairly disturbed.

"I'm surprised Flannery allows you back in Lavaridge. At all."

"I pulled some strings. Like a lot of Flannery's strings, if you catch my drift." Ash said with a wink. "Anyway, this seems like a good spot." He rubbed his foot across the ground, kicking up some dirt and gravel.

"How can you tell?" Cynthia asked him.

"I can _fee_ l it." He winked at her. She just gave him a weird stare back.

" **CAN YA SMELLLLLL WHAT THE BROCK'S COOKING? HUH?** " Brock shouted at Cynthia and Ash, in a very deep scary voice. The blonde almost shit her pants, till she realised Brock was in a pink frilly apron, stirring a pot of broth.

"How did he even cook that so fast?"

"Thai troll magic."

"I see."

After food, the three sat on the ground floor unpacking their supplies. The warm nature of the night meant they could just start a fire and not require to put a tent up, just sleep in their sleeping bags. Brock and Ash looked busy, while Cynthia just sat there twiddling her thumbs.

"Aren't you gonna get your sleeping bag out?" Ash asked her.

"Later." Dismissed Cynthia.

* * *

Later on had come, and Brock had fallen asleep next to the warm flame, which had been ignited by Cynthia's Garchomp. Ash had his head down in silence, trying to catch some shut-eye, when he heard Cynthia shiver. He assumed she'd gone to sleep, but looking up he was surprised - the fire illuminated Cynthia, without her sleeping bag, sleeping on the cold, hard ground, with only her coat covering half her body.

Ash sat up, but she didn't notice he was awake. "Aren't you gonna use your sleeping bag if you're cold?" Cynthia jumped up in shock.

"Jesus Arceus - um, uh, like, I'm a champion." Ash looked at her with a 'So?' expression. "We have to tough out harsh conditions!" She quickly added.

"You forgot your sleeping back, didn't you." Ash stated dryly.

"Totally."

"Come here, get in mine." Ash motioned, unzipping the pouch.

"Where will you sleep?" She sounded oblivious.

"It's a double." Ash stated, widening the sleeping bag to its full length and width.

"Absolutely not."

"I'm not gonna sit here and let you freeze half to death. You either get in with me and Pikachu, or I'm sleeping on the floor tonight." Cynthia wanted to protest, but she really couldn't.

She was freezing, even with the high temperatures of the day and the ongoing fire, and the fire would be out eventually. She didn't want Ash to be out here freezing, so she took his compromise.

"It's one night, and you can buy a sleeping bag first thing in Pewter City." She was about to agree. Then she noticed Ash was naked.

"Will you please put some clothes on first?" She half screeched.

"Be quiet! You'll wake Brock!" He said, gesturing to the Vietnamese who was currently cuddling his Geodude. "And relax, I'm wearing boxers. It's hot inside an arctic sleeping bag, with just one person."

Cynthia looked hesitant. "No funny business." She said sauntering over.

"No promises." She glared. Ash gave a sheepish grin.

She slipped her way into his sleeping bag. She assessed the temperature of her new environment. "It's like an oven in here!"

"If that's your way of calling me hot, then thanks." He smiled all the way across his face.

"Shut up." Ash's cheeky grin quickly evaporated when Cynthia pulled off her jeans and top, leaving her only in the black underwear that Ash could hardly make out in the embers left of the fireplace. Cynthia, however, could make out Ash's open jaw as she lied down and turned to face him.

"No funny business." She said with a pointed finger. All Ash could do this time was stutter.

* * *

Ash and Cynthia both woke up to the smell of eggs, and the ringing of a Pokécall.

"Hey Delia. You'll never guess what I woke up to this morning..." Brock's voice rang out.

"It's not what it looks like!" Ash heard Cynthia shout, as he just tried to cover his face from the camera, with faint shouts of "Have you made my grandchildren yet?" in the near distance.

* * *

 **A little more serious than m normal tone, but ya know, around here I like to Nintendo TM Switch TM it up.**

 **Review ya little scallywags.**

 **P**

 **Smell Ya Later**


	4. Ash Places A Bet

**'Sup. Love the reviews. Glad you guys are digging the vibe.**

* * *

"No mom, for the last time, Cynthia forgot her sleeping bag. Yes, we slept together, in the same sleeping bag, literally. We did not engage in any non-PG13 activities." Ash drawled back into the phone.

"Hand me over to Cynthia." Ash reluctantly passed the Poképhone over.

Cynthia cradled the phone with a bright red blush. "Hi Mrs Ketchum."

"Dear, you know you can call your future mother-in-law by her first name. It's Delia." Cynthia's blush deepened, if that was even physically possible. "Now, I know you have Champion's money and all, but I've gone ahead and purchased a small cottage in Ash's name for the two of you in Pallet."

"Oh no, you really shouldn't have!"

"Don't worry, I used Ash's bank account."

"Oh, you _really_ shouldn't have."

"Hey! Wait a minute!" Ash shouted from the background, checking his account to see ¥1 Million had been removed in the name of 'Mother K'.

"Anyway," Ash's mother ignored his protests, "When you two feel like settling down and having me some grandkids you can raise them part time in Pallet."

"Mrs Ketchum - Delia, I'm really grateful for the purchase and all - but Ash and I are seriously not in a relationship."

"Fine, but at least you guys have somewhere to bump uglies till you open your eyes and reproduce. Anyway, Sam's coming over. Bye now!" And with a click the screen went black.

"So, er, Mother K aside, what did you two get up to exactly last night?" The Cantonese man asked.

"Absolutely nothing. Like I told you." Ash said for at least the Gigalinthian time that day.

"Psh. And you call me a virgin." Brock started taking the piss with Pikachu, the fat yellow rodent agreeing with Brock.

"I...er, didn't want to get blood on my sleeping bag. That's totally why I didn't try anything."

"What was that Ash?" Cynthia asked in a rather sharp tone.

"Nothing!" The raven haired trainer replied, and they continued wondering through the Viridian Forest.

* * *

"It is I, the samurai - "

 **BANG**

"Ah - what the fuck, she fucking shot some! Someone shot me! Call the fucking Jenny's! Joy! Aghhhhhhhhh!"

"Come on Cynthia, I know this guy." Ash said. Frowning at the writhing figure on the floor.

"Ughhhhhh!" Brock kicked him.

"What's he doing, waving a sword around in people's faces?" She asked crossly. With the barrel still smoking, she tucked the black handgun back in between her bosoms.

"What're _you_ doing with a handgun?" Ask countered.

"Self-defence." She quipped.

"You literally own one of the most powerful dragons in the world." Ash deadpanned.

"Shut up. I don't go around threatening people with Garchomp. Shoot first, ask questions later."

"Questions like, WHERE'S THE NEAREST POKÉCENTRE YOU CUNTS? YOU FUCKING SHOT ME. OW." Brock kicked him again.

"Ugh, fine, fuckin' Chansey use heal pulse." Brock said, calling out the pink Pokémon.

"You totally only keep her around to impress the Joys." Ash said to the Jap.

"Obviously, she's useless. She literally heals other people's Pokémon. Do you know how annoying that is in battle?" Brock said, simultaneously returning her.

"Fair point." Cynthia said.

"Okay, let's try that again." The samurai said, reaching for his sword, before retracting his hand away as he made eye contact with Cynthia reaching for her pistol. "I am samurai. I want to battle the trainer from Pallet."

"You're still here? Did you not like...get a life?"

"Fuck you asshole, Viridian Forest is easy to get lost in!"

"Ten years lost?"

"I see your point. Anyway, Pinsir, I choose you!"

Ash looked down at the yellow mouse Pokémon. "Pikachu, use like Thunderbolt or something. I don't really care. Just kick his ass?"

Two hundred and forty volts later, Pinsir was looking more like charred bug on a stick getting returned, while Pikachu went back to sleep.

"Lazy ass." Ash said, nudging the fat lemon off the pitch with his foot.

"Go Metapod!" The Metapod in question looked like it was begging for death.

"Isn't that a bit cruel? Keeping it as a Metapod that can barely move for the last decade?"

"Call out your Pokémon, young trainer from Pallet." The samurai ignored him.

"Alright I choose...Hey what's that?" Ash pointed to the distance.

"Is it a bird? Is it a plane?" Cynthia asked.

"Holy balls, it's Butterfree and his cool ass pink Slut-erfree!" Brock called into the shy.

"Butterfree, use tackle!" Ash called, the now super buff Butterfree beelined towards the green...thing.

"Metapod, use Harden!" Metapod turned into a goddamn brick wall as Butterfree headed full speed and collided with a splat, leaving Butterfree well and truly smushed.

"Is it dead?" Brock asked.

"Hell no, Butterfree use Confusion!" Nothing happened for a second, with Butterfree's mush being closely inspected by his mate, until Metapod was launched ten metres into the air before having a seizure and getting launched back down, feinted as hell and unable to battle.

Butterfree was still currently Purée, but a quick Heal Pulse from Brock's Chansey and he was back in fighting shape.

"Butterfree! You wanna ditch this whore and come back on my journey again?" Butterfree let out a caterpillar sounding 'Fuck yeah' before jumping into one of Ash's empty Pokéballs.

"I caught a Butterfree!" Ash said, jumping into the air in freeze frame.

Cynthia looked at Brock. "This happen often?"

"Too much for my liking. Hey Ash, didn't you forget about Pidgeot? Like you were supposed to go back for her like eight years ago, and there was a golden opportunity to do so when we were back in Route One."

"Oh shit..." Ash started. And almost like a story, I shit you not, Pidgeot comes swooping in.

...To try and eat Butterfree's mate. Like seriously, that thing is _so_ badly camouflaged that it would've been merked in the wild as a pink Caterpie, much less a tasty, flying, luminescent snack.

Cynthia quickly caught the insect to spare its life.

"You're not gonna freeze-frame or something? Theme music? Inspiring and slash or signature quote?" Ash asked.

"I'm not in a Fanfic."

"Fuck you. Anyway, Pidgeot, you're probably totally pissed." Pidgeot made some agreement coo's. "Wanna kick some Indigo League ass while wingmanning me? Haha get it? 'Cos you're a bird." Pidgeot said something that sounded like a bird's version of 'fuck off mate' but Ash could not give a single shit and caught him anyway.

"Fuck yeah, Pidgeot confirmed!"

"That was dreadful." Cynthia said.

"He's got two more seconds in frozen before he can hear you." Brock told Cynthia, knowing from recurring experience.

* * *

"Ah Pewter City. My home town. The only place on Earth that won't shun you for liking rock types." The trio were overlooking the town on the boulder market previously owned by Flint.

"Well, they are lame." Ash told the Laotian.

"They are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Dee Two." Cynthia added helpfully.

"Anyway, how's your dad doing?" Ash asked Brock.

"How the hell am I supposed to know? I haven't got time to see him."

"You have time in the morning to speak to my mother."

"Boy, any straight man would make time for your mother."

"Fuck you." Ash told him.

"To be fair, I'm a straight gal and I'd make time for your mother."

"Fuck you too." Ash told her.

"What, in a sleeping bag?" Brock added.

"Well, at least he'd be getting laid for once. Freaking virgins." Cynthia said to Brock.

"Hey now, wait a minute, you two are the virgins in the group." Brock raised a finger to try and speak up - "And Geodude doesn't count." Brock put his hand down.

"Oh yeah? Who have you been to _Daycare_ with then Ash?"

"Um...you know...like all the girls."

"Really now."

"Yeah, like Flannery, and Claire, and er Misty, May, Max, Dawn..."

"Did you say Max?" Brock questioned.

"Noooooooo..."

"Fine Brock - I've got Claire on speed dial. Should we verify if his claims are true?"

"I think that's a great idea, Cynth."

"Don't call me that again." Cynthia dead-panned, as she scrolled through her Poképhone.

 _Ring Ring, Ring Ring._ Cynthia put it on speaker.

" _Cynthia, baby. What can I do for you? You want me to hook you up with Lance?_ "

"No - for the last time me and Lance are cousins."

" _Second cousins. That ain't morally wrong in my book._ "

"It wouldn't be morally wrong in your book if he was my father." Cynthia muttered. Goddamn Dragon Clan Supremacists and their inbred mess. "No, I'm calling about Ash Ketchum."

" _That virgin? God, you wanna marry him? He isn't even purebred!_ "

"No, no, I'm asking if you've ever slept with him."

" _Guh, no. God knows I tried._ "

"What?" Brock and Cynthia said at the same time. Ash meanwhile was trying to bury his face.

" _Sorry, are you trying to sleep with him? You'll probably be the first if you manage it. Boy's like a goddamn safe. Me, Flannery, May, Max and Dawn all tried to sleep with him and trust me when I say there are many others._ "

"Did you say Max?" Brock shouted into the phone.

" _...Noooooo..._ "

"Wait a second," Cynthia interjected, "Why did he sleep with you? You're like the most attractive -" *Cough Inbred Cough* "-Trainer in the whole of Johto. Weren't you Miss DragonClan?"

" _For the third year running I was._ "

"So why didn't he sleep with you?"

" _Boy's a freak that's why. I got on my knees and begged him. I got him drunk. He totally refused to take off his trousers. Nutcase. Something about saving it for the right moment with the right woman._ "

"Gayyyyyyyyyy." Brock drawled.

" _Ain't that right hunny._ " Claire added. " _Anyway, unless you're tying to have a real and proper marriage, Cynth, I gotta go._ "

"Don't call me Cynth." _Click._ The phone turned off.

Both trainers turned to face Ash.

"And you gave me all that stick for being a virgin..."

"Shut up."

"What a pussy." Brock tagged helpfully at the end.

"Shut up."

* * *

Two hours later, in the Pewter City Pokécentre, the conversation hadn't changed much.

"Look Ash, it's okay to be a virgin." Cynthia was trying therapy.

"What. A. Pussy." Brock was still laughing hysterically.

"Fuck you guys." Ash said, dead from the emotional beating he'd received.

"Brock, that's not the right way to handle this." Cynthia tried to calm the situation.

"You're right." Cynthia looked at him thankfully. "A pussy can get laid."

"Brock!"

"I can get laid!" Ash shouted at both of them, earning some snickers from the thirteen year olds healing their Pokémon. "I was only thirteen when I met Claire, and I still never had any sex ed, plus she's inbred as fuck!"

"Ash has a point." Cynthia told Brock.

"What about the countless Nurse Joy's? Jenny's? Flannery? May? Dawn?" Brock asked him.

"Max?" Cynthia helpfully added.

"Look, I could get laid anytime I like!" Ash stated.

"Oh yeah? Wanna bet?" Brock leaned over.

"Fine! What are your terms?" Ash said, leaning over until the two were face to face.

"If you don't get laid by the time we get back to Viridian, you've got to streak the entire way from Viridian City, through Route One, down to Pallet and into your mother's home." Brock whispered coyly.

"And if I do?" Ash countered deviously.

"I don't know." Brock jerked his thumb in Cynthia's direction. "Cynthia will let you do anal."

"Wait a minute - "

"Deal." Brock and Ash gave a firm handshake.

"I didn't agree to this." Cynthia added.

"Well Cynth - " Ash said to her.

"Don't call me that."

" - When the red rivers running, ya gotta take the dirt path." Ash finished.

"You're disgusting."

" _Personwhoagreestothisbetsayswhat?_ " Brock rapped off.

"What?" Both Ash and Cynthia replied.

"Haha, you both agreed. I wouldn't worry, Cynth, you'll likely have your ass intact."

"Don't call me Cynth." Cynthia said in a begrudging tone.

"Anyway," Ash changed the subject, "I think it's time for me to whoop your brother's ass Brock. Gym Leader Forest is about to have to deal with deforestation!"

There were crickets. "Ha, uh get it? Because his name's Forest and deforestation is the serious large scale destruction of the rainforests which are increasing carbon emissions and leading to the destruction of wild life habitats for profiteering purposes."

Ash's voice got quieter as he finished the sentence.

* * *

"Sup, bitch? You're about to get chopped down!" Ash said, kicking the Pewter Gym door off of its hinges. Forest looked at him with a dead expression. "Get it, 'cause your names Forest, and those have trees which get cut down?" Crickets. "Anyone?"

"That's like the fourth door we've lost this week." Flint said, standing in the referee's box.

"Are your daughters still around? I've got a bone to pick with Brock." Ash asked the older man.

"The eldest is fourteen." Flint said, avoiding the question.

Ash shrugged. "If there's ia grass on the pitch, play ball."

"Can we just battle? I've got things to do." Forest interrupted them.

"Yeah, well fuck you too asshole." Ash grumbled as he walked over to the podium, while Brock and Cynthia headed for the stands.

The rock field was, well, rocky.

And, er, brownish yellow.

And fairly flat, I guess. I'm trying to set a scene.

"Alright Graveler! Let's Roll Out!" Forest shouted, releasing his first Pokémon.

"That's an awful pun." Flint and Brock said at the same time. You know what they say, like father like son. Or like Chinese person...like all Chinese people.

"Alright! Pidgeot, I choose you!" Ash said, releasing the bird into the air.

"Does Ash know what rock Pokémon are super effective against flying types?" Cynthia asked Brock.

"He beat my level thirty Onix; my two tonne Onix, with a level five Pikachu. I don't question whether he knows things or not."

"Why does that not surprise me?" Brock didn't answer her and they shifted their attention back to the battle.

"This is a battle between Gym Leader Fo - " Flint began, raising a flag before he was interrupted.

"Yeah, yeah," Ash said cutting him off with a dismissive hand wave. "Pidgeot, use sand attack." The bird in question turned around with a _Really?_ expression. "Don't look at me like that, we haven't battled together in like 5 years." Pidgeot cooed a disapproving coo, before turning and whipping up a sandstorm from a simple flap of its wings.

"Graveler! Rock Throw!" Forest called, with the boulder commanded doing what it was told.

"Dodge Pidgeot! Use..." Ash was furiously scrolling through his Pokédex. "Rain Dance!"

The inside of the gym began to get covered in water. Flint looked at Forest. "I told you we should've gotten flood and door insurance, but ' _no, our gym will never get wet and the doors will never get kicked in.'_ I told you!" Forest rolled his eyes. Well, at least I think he did. They're kind of small.

"What was that supposed to do?" Cynthia asked Brock.

"Pretty sure he just saw the first water type move Pidgeot learns and decided to call it, praying he'd know it."

"I mean he did." Cynthia pointed out.

"Still didn't do much." Brock countered.

"Pidgeot! Hurricane!" Ash called.

"Or maybe he plans ahead." Cynthia said to Brock. Brock snorted.

"You really don't know about Ash and planning ahead."

Graveler took a direct Hurricane to the face, which seemed to be extra powerful from the pouring rain. Fun fact: rock types dislike water.

"Pidgeot! Steel Wing!" Ash was certain that he could easily clinch this round.

"Self-destruct." Forest called.

"Ah, fuck."

 _"Pi, dgeot."_

After everyone recovered from the shaking building and the ringing noise in their ears, Flint called the match. "Both Graveler and Pidgeot are unable to battle! Call your next Pokémon! And, I'd like to add, blast protection was the best thirty yen I ever spent."

"Steelix! Come forth!"

"That's super gay." Brock said from the stand.

"Shut up Brock I'm trying!" Forest called back.

"Don't make him cry, you know he's sensitive about his questionable sexuality." Flint scolded the older brother.

"Dad!" Forest whined.

"What? It's obvious!" Flint said in self defence.

"You know, with a name like Forest you'd think he trained Grass types." Cynthia said, thinking out loud.

"Yeah, he could be the outcast of the family in another way, apart from jerking off to pictures of Max Maple." Brock said.

"Can we stop sexualising Max, for Arceus' sake. Also, can I have my badge now? Asked Ash.

The four diverted their attention back to the battle, where Steelix was already feinted and Pikachu was asleep on the field.

All four looked accusingly at Ash.

"What? Rain Dance only had one turn left, and I didn't think you wanted me activating the sprinklers again."

"Still pretty unfair." Forest muttered.

"Just get him out of my gym. He's like walking collateral damage." Flint said, handing Ash the Pewter City Gym Badge and shoving him out of the broken door way, his son and the blonde in tow.

"Sweet! I got the Boulder Badge!" Ash shouted in freeze frame.

"Again." Added Brock in the background.

"Well, we are back on the road in the morning. Just me, my ethnically ambiguous best friend, my fat lazy mouse and my hoe." Coming out of freeze frame to narrate his own life.

"Don't call me a hoe."

"You know you love it Cynth." Said Ash, pointing finger guns at her.

"Don't call me Cynth."

* * *

 **Hope you enjoyed - I don't like reading or writing battles, I think they're boring. Anyway, review. Ya want more? Review. Ya want less? Review.**

 **Catch you on the flip side.**


	5. Ash Explores A Cave

**Hola.**

* * *

"Life could not be any better at this very moment." Ash proudly stated, puffing out his chest and taking a deep breath, basking in the Kanto sun. Pikachu lazily agreed from his shoulder. The trio and the mouse were strolling in the direction of Cerulean. They were about ten minutes outside of Pewter.

"The skies are clear, the weather is warm, there's a cool breeze - there's literally no better day to be out in Kanto." Cynthia added, admiring the wildlife and scenery. "I don't remember the region being so nice to me when I first travelled on my own."

"Well, maybe it's because this time you get to spend all day with Kanto's native poster boy, the best looking trainer in the regions and future champion, Ashton Ketchum."

"Alright Ashley," Cynthia snorted, "Let's just enjoy the journey. What a great day to take a walk."

Brock was staring at his Pokénav. He was currently texting Ash's mom, not that the trainer would know. Brock and Delia had decided on the name Rayshipping for the couple, and Brock was constantly texting her any updates, including Ash showing off and flirting with the blonde, and her giving him a playful nickname back. Ash had even accidentally bumped Cynthia by the waist earlier while packing up his stuff - and that little action had gone straight to his mother as an official report.

He didn't look up from his device when he deadpanned:

"What a perfect day to spend inside Mount Moon."

* * *

Ash complained, but it was futile.

They were headed to Mount You-Can't-Walk-3-Steps-Without-A-Zubat-Encounter.

"On the bright side, you could probably cop a feel of Cynthia in the dark." Brock tried to cheer him up at the cave's entrance.

"Don't you dare." Cynthia warned him. "Otherwise you might be Garchomp's lunch."

"Don't worry Cynth, it'll be Brock touching you up anyway." Brock shrugged and bopped his head in agreement.

The Sinnoh Champion narrowed her eyes at Ash. "Don't call me Cynth, otherwise I might start calling you Ashy-Boy."

"You can call me whatever you want." Ash said, suggestively raising his eyebrows."

"You can call me tonight." Brock added, shooting finger guns as he moon-walked into Mount...moon.

As he disappeared into the darkness of the cave, Ash and Cynthia shared a moment of understanding. They locked eyes, and as their stare deepened, Ash opened his mouth as if he were to say something profound, to confess a deep feeling he'd been holding in for a while. Something that he had to let Cynthia know.

"You can call me Daddy."

Never mind. For fuck's sake. Moment ruined. Well done, Ash-hole Ketchum.

You wouldn't be able to see the damage in the dark, but Ash now had a large bruise on his arm and Cynthia was nursing her knuckles in her clenched fist.

"You're lucky I didn't get you in the Pokéballs."

"That's because you want them in tact." He weakly muttered out, while clutching his dead arm.

Ash now had a matching bruise on the other limb, and the threat of Garchomp taking the whole hand next time.

* * *

"It's dark." Cynthia commented.

"Thank you Cynthia." Brock replied. "I didn't realise that from my own lack of vision or the first forty eight times you told me it was dark."

"To be fair Brock, you do look blind." Ash wailed when Brock hit him on his sore bruise.

"It's a shame we don't have an electric type that can use flash to illuminate the area or anything." Cynthia said sarcastically, directing the comment at Ash and the yellow rat on his shoulder.

"I told you, stat moves are lame. I never taught Pikachu flash the first time around, we can manage it this time. We should've brought a torch though."

"Does anyone have an illuminating fire type?" Brock asked, again directing the question at Ash. "Like a Charizard, or an Infernape, or a Quilava?"

"They wouldn't provide any real light, any that's useful anyway. Maybe Charizard actually, but he's still with Liza. Plus, doesn't Garchomp breathe fire?" He directed the attention towards Cynthia.

"Not continuously. Wouldn't rock types know their way through a cave?" She diverted the question towards Brock.

"Why didn't we just fly over? You have a flying dragon, I have a crobat, and Ash has a glorified rat with wings." Brock redirected the conversation to avoid Cynthia's inquisition.

"Excuse you, she prefers the term pigeon. Wasn't crobat caught here? Doesn't he know the way through? " Ash had his priorities straight to protect his recently re-aquired Social Justice Pigeon.

"Alright pigeon brain, why don't we just fly to Cerulean then?" Cynthia asked Ash.

"Well, first of all, it's cheating. Secondly, we are half way through now - there's no point in turning back. Let's just play a little game to pass the time."

* * *

"I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter N." Ash was currently on his twenty seventh game of eye spy. He had currently lost twenty six in a row.

"I swear to god Ash-Hole if the answer is nothing one more goddamn time I will sic Lucario on you." The blonde was staring him out.

He seemed to have not heard her.

"I spy with my little eye -"

"That's it!" Brock was holding her back while she was wildly swinging punches.

"Something that begins with the letter E!"

Both Gym Leader and Champion looked around in confusion.

"It's the exit, doofuses. Let's just head towards that light and we'll be out of here." A little spec of light glinted in the distance. He took off running in the same direction.

"Hey Ash, that doesn't -"

* * *

"Remind me again how Ash got stung by a Chinchou." Cynthia said while doubled over laughing. Brock handed her the Pokénav for the ninth time, the video playing on loop. The screen slightly illuminated the way and Cynthia had never been more grateful for the Nav's playback function.

" - exit doofuses. Let's just head towards the light and we'll be out of here." Ash then ran full steam ahead.

"Hey Ash, that doesn't look like natural light. Wait a second -" Cynthia's voice started before being interrupted by a

 _Splash_

"Agh little bastard! I've been shot! Call the Pokécentre and a rescue team!" Ash's voice screeched over the small speakers.

Cynthia was wheezing for air, doubled over with her stomach in her hands.

Ash was currently rubbing his sore leg with his two sore arms. "Let's just get out of here. Pika, use flash." The little rat obliged and with a blink the entire cavern was illuminated. Cynthia stopped laughing.

"You told me you didn't teach him flash!" Cynthia accused Ash with a pointed finger. The situation was no longer funny.

"I didn't. He learnt it by himself."

"So why didn't you use it in the first place?" His Singaporean friend asked.

"Too easy, it's cheating."

Brick was holding Cynthia back again.

"Okay, okay, I'm calm. Let me go." Cynthia said going lax in the breeder's grip. Brock cautiously let go. "Let me go so I can murder him!" If it wasn't for a lucky tackle by Brock-o, Ash may not have left the mountain in one piece.

* * *

"Finally! We are actually out!" He collapsed right outside the exit.

"Pika!" The little electric type agreed with his trainer. It had only taken them five minutes after to find the real exit after Pikachu illuminated the area.

"It's quite late, but I'm certain it'll rain tonight. If we continue for another fifteen minutes forward we might be able to find a Centre or a better place to camp. Otherwise, we might as well camp in the cavern exit."

"I'm in favour of going ahead." Cynthia proudly stated, puffing her chest out.

"Only if one of you will carry me." Ash complained.

Cynthia and Brock locked eyes.

Well, as well as Brock could lock eyes.

Either way, he won. The Filipino managed to get 'Not it!' a fraction faster out than Cynthia.

* * *

Around twenty minutes later, Cynthia kicked in the doors of the Pokémon Centre, carrying a sleeping Ash bridal style while Pikachu napped on his stomach.

A Joy and Chansey rushed over, kicking over Pokéballs and medical supplies in their hasty travel.

"Oh my! Is he alright?" Joy asked worriedly. Chansey added on her own name with the same caring tone.

"Quite alright, just a lazy prick." Cynthia said, as she dropped him with a thud. A few faint complaints came from Ash and Pikachu on the floor, before the pair slowly picked themselves up.

"Nurse Joy, do you think we could get rooms for the night?" Brock asked.

"We are a little stretched at the moment, so I am afraid we wouldn't be able to offer you three separate rooms. I have one single available, and there's one bed available in the nurse's dorms. One of our Joys is ill this weekend so we do have a small space, although whoever takes it must be competent with basic first aid."

"Well, Ash and Cynthia are a couple and I've got training from St. Joy's Ambulance so I'd be happy to help out while the others rest and train." Brock answered her a little too eagerly. Despite her suspicions, the nurse looked exhausted, so she gave Cynthia the key card to the single room and led Brock away.

"No funny business." She pointed at Ash once Brock was out of sight. She didn't elicit a witty response out of Ash however - she was pleasantly surprised.

"It's fine, Cynth." Ash seemed genuinely tired for the first time the Champion had met him. "I've had a long day, and so has Pikachu. I'll take your stuff up to the room - just grab us something to eat before you follow? I'm easy with whatever. I'm just gonna hand in the team to reception." Ash yawned. He pried the key card from her grasp. "Bring a ketchup packet for this douche nozzle, alright? Room 12, Second Floor. I'll see you in a bit." Ash walked away with his and Cynthia's stuff. He first popped to the counter to have a brief conversation with the other Joy on duty before lugging the bags upstairs, with the key card in his mouth.

"Don't call me Cynth." She quietly whispered to herself.

Cynthia went and got food surprisingly stunned by Ash's mature attitude. It was hard to forget he wasn't a total child, and he kept everyone happy. Sometimes he needed a break, and Cynthia nor Brock ever really gave him that, and in between he was looking after dozens of Pokémon. He put everyone before himself, but even the strongest of us all needed a recharge once in a while. He was patient, kind and caring, and would be a good father to their kids someday.

Ew. Wait. She visibly winced. The intrusive thought vanished as soon as it came, although Cynthia couldn't say it wasn't at least slightly welcome. Like the annoying loud neighbours who bring you brownies every fortnight. Mmmm. Brownies. Cynthia was now also getting a packet of brownies for her and her raven headed pal, along with two tupperware containers of Chinese food. Brock would either be proud that they were investigating his origins or mad that they were culturally appropriating it. She walked through the standard centre canteen with no problems, paying at the end.

She walked rather briskly back to the room, her food in takeaway containers which rattled against the plastic cutlery she had been provided with. She held two Moo Moo Milks in her hand, so resorted to knocking on the room door with her forehead. She knocked once with no response. She got ready to knock harder, closed her eyes and braced.

She didn't come into contact with door, instead head butting Ash, causing both of them to fall to the floor, Cynthia in a heap on top of him.

"Oh my god Ash, I'm so sorry I was just trying to -" She scrambled to get off while Ash gently sat up.

He cut her off. "Don't even worry about it." He nursed his forehead. "How's your head?" They were both sitting down on their knees on the floor. He used his other hand to check her skull, happy that there was no bruising or bleeding, however Cynthia noticed a little blood running from the hand on his head.

"Oh my god, I've made you bleed."

"This is the weirdest way I've lost my virginity. You only put the head in." She hit him on the previous bruise causing him to wince and fall over.

"I am actually so sorry." She did feel even worse now - she was further injuring the trainer which she had been thinking about for the past fifteen minutes she had been busy.

"There's no better place to get hurt. I'll just nip down to Joy and get it bandaged, then I'll come back and eat." Ash slowly stood up.

"Wait!" Ash turned in her direction, looking down as she was still on the floor. "Lucario knows heal pulse. He can fix you right up." She told him, releasing the blue jackal who did his magic and was returned in less than thirty seconds.

"Thanks a lot." Ash said, extending his arm to the floored blonde and helping her up. Can we eat now?"

They sat together and ate in pretty much total silence. Ash sat with his legs dangling off the bed facing the door, while Cynthia sat cross-legged next to him. They both hadn't eaten in so long that they quickly finished their food.

"I'm still hungry." Ash said as he lay back on the bed.

"I don't blame you. That's why I bought brownies." Holding up the container.

"I'm in love with you." Ash said without moving his head.

"What?" Cynthia asked, suddenly blushing and almost falling over the side of the mattress.

"Only my soul mate would know when I want brownies." He said laughing, and reaching over to the plastic container. Cynthia stayed silent. "I'm joking," Ash said as he handed her the other half, "Lighten up a little Cynth."

"Don't call me Cynth." And with that the shock had been replaced by a scowl.

* * *

"These brownies are so good." Is what Ash was trying to say. Instead, with a full mouth it sounded more like 'theeth browees ar tho goo."

Luckily Cynthia could understand him and vigorously nodded in agreement. Maybe they were soul mates after all.

Ash had soon finished his dessert and picked himself up. He unpacked his bag carefully, getting out a set of PJs, a towel, some toiletries and a sleeping bag.

"What's the sleeping bag for?" Cynthia asked confused, while unpacking her own rucksack.

"It's a single bed - one of us has to sleep in the bath tub."

"Hey, you let me borrow your sleeping bag in Pewter. I'll take the tub." She said, grabbing her toiletries and heading towards the bathroom.

"You still haven't bought a sleeping bag."

"Good observation. You're still not sleeping in the tub. I'll just nap on the floor."

"That's stupid. You're gonna be uncomfortable and I'm almost certain the Centre doesn't have any spare pillows. Just let me take the bath and we can get this over with - you bought me dinner anyway."

"I'm technically a multi-millionaire. It's nothing."

"My point stands."

"It's a large single bed."

Ash raised his eyebrows. "So?"

"We could share it." Cynthia wouldn't look him in the eyes. Ash was too dense to know it was because she was blushing, because he was eyeing up the bed himself.

"It actually looks smaller than average."

"We could both fit." Cynthia pushed her argument.

"If we squeezed. Hard." Ash said sceptically.

"It's the best solution."

"Fine. Go shower, Arceus knows we both need it."

She closed the door to the bathroom with a little skip in her step, and was only a little surprised by how crimson her face was.

She took thirty minutes in the bathroom, compared to Ash's ten. By the time he'd gotten out she had just finished getting changed, while Ash simply put on a pair of fresh boxers and slipped under the duvet before her. He was lights out before Cynthia even got to show off what she had worn to bed, which in her opinion was very cute. Despite him looking peaceful in his sleep, Cynthia was not one to be ignored.

"Ash." She whispered. "You up?"

"Hnngh." He could only grunt back at her. Even though they were already tight for space in the bed, Cynthia thought they should be closer.

"You're gonna fall off the bed. Come in closer." Ash, barely conscious, shifted to his left and Cynthia threw her leg over the top of him, till she was spread over him with her head on his chest.

"Hnngh." Ash said in response, still asleep.

"Ash."

"Wha?" He snorted.

"I'm hot."

"Okey dokey." He tried drifting back to sleep but she wouldn't leave him alone.

"I'm gonna take off my shorts."

"Hnngh." She peeled her way out of her short shorts before kicking them off the bed with her leg. Ash couldn't see whatever she was wearing underneath but he could feel lace and silk.

Not that he cared, because he was currently eighteen hours without sleep and Cynthia was not even close to stirring him.

She ran her finger up and down his chest.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaash."

"Hnnnnnnnnnngh."

"I'm still hot."

"Okaaaaay."

"I'm gonna take off my top too."

"Mmmhmmm."

"I'm not wearing a bra."

"Neither am I." She stifled a laugh and removed her top, lying fully on top of him like he was the mattress.

She heard him say something.

"Come again?" She asked.

"Boobs." Ash said with a smile, before snoring again and knocking out for good.

She giggled. She knew she wasn't going to elicit any more response than that, so she called it a night and fell asleep herself.

* * *

 **I hate writing fluffy stuff, but this chapter was a perfect point for it. Fun fact: I wrote most of this the same week as the fourth chapter, and then the last two hundred words took me two months. And even then I had to get shit faced to squeeze it out.**

 **Remember to review, otherwise I'll lose my job. Writing stories for fourteen year olds on the internet. Actually, maybe I should get a new job...  
Jokes. No one pays me for this. If someone wants to, feel free to PM me. **

**Otherwise review. See you in like four months or something lmao.**

 **W**


	6. Ash Does Drugs

**2 year hiatus? That's not me.**

"Ow!" Cynthia woke up to being pushed onto the floor face first.

"It's a new day and it's a new morning! I've felt like I've been asleep for two fucking years! Pikachu, let's fucking go!" Ash was currently screaming at himself in front of a mirror completely topless. Pikachu just screamed next to him. They both flexed and made kissy faces at themselves. Cynthia just put on her t-shirt from last night and waited for him to stop. She witnessed some disturbing things, but possibly the worst was the synchronised nipple touching between him and Pikachu. When he finally did stop, she breathed a sigh of relief. He turned around to look at her, and as she opened her mouth to ask a question, Brock burst through the bedroom door screaming similarly, setting off Ash and his partner again.

"So, you do this every morning?" Cynthia asked them. They were currently on the walk to Cerulean city.

"Nah, only days where we have gym battles." Ash said. "It gets me fucking pumped."

"You didn't do it in Pewter." Cynthia pointed out.

"Cynthia, even I know my brother is not a real gym battle." Brock said. "Misty might actually be a difficult opponent."

"I don't know about that." Ash said. "Have you seen her Pokégram lately? I think she's become one of those influencers." Brock pulled up his Nav and scrolled through his feed.

"Totally – the last thirteen posts are about herbal tea and protein supplements. But she is looking saucy." Brock said. He drooled all over the screen.

"Do you reckon she still wants the money back for her bike?" Ash asked him.

"She's probably making bank now. One company offered me my yearly salary if I wore a swimsuit while holding a lava cookie." Cynthia said.

"Do you reckon she still wants to bang you?" Brock asked. Ash thought for a moment.

"Nah."

 **x**

"Ash! What a wonderful surprise. I didn't even know you were coming!" Misty was dressed in a skimpy swim suit, with a fat Numel toe on the front. She was also covered in lube, stood posed on the podium of her gym, tongue out and cupping her own tit.

"You liked my post about coming to Cerulean tomorrow so Ash could battle you." Brock said.

"I want to change my answer." Ash said to the Malaysian.

"No, no idea, I don't even run that anymore." Misty blatantly lied. "Anyway, I was totally about to start my max-ass workout if you want to come watch before we battle." She said to the black-haired trainer.

"No, I think we just want to battle." Cynthia interjected.

"I wanted to watch." Brock said, sulking.

"We do want to leave here as fast as possible. The first time I was here the city got robbed. Cerulean is a shithole."

"If you beat me in a battle, I'll let you put it in my Cerulean shithole." Misty said, putting her index finger in her mouth.

 **x**

"This is a 2v2 battle, and regardless of any claims Misty wants to make, it is illegal for gym leaders to play Strip Pokémon - especially when they only have a 1 piece on!" Cynthia said, holding the referee's flag. She wasn't the biggest fan of Misty by a long shot.

"Pikachu, go fuck shit up." Ash waited a second. Pikachu was fat asleep at his feet. "For fuck sake, you filthy rat." Ash said, winding his leg up and launching Pikachu through the air on to a pool float, where he promptly fainted. "Well, there goes my strategy." Ash said, shaking his head. Misty called out Staryu, who jumped straight into the pool.

"Pikachu is fainted, Staryu is the winner." Cynthia said.

"Oh come on, you can't be serious." Ash said to her.

"It's in the rules Ash." Brock said. "Also, you can't physically abuse your Pokémon."

"You can physically abuse me." Misty said at Ash, staring at him unblinkingly. Ash chose to ignore her.

"I actually didn't plan this far ahead. I didn't even think it would come to this point. I don't have any other Pokémon on me."

"I'll let you have the badge if you take my virginity." Misty piped up.

"Nope! Not in the rules! Ash, you can battle with Garchomp." Cynthia whispered a few words into the ball before she tossed it to Ash. Whatever she said seemed to be motivational, as Garchomp proceeded to annihilate not just Misty's team but most of the gym's structure as well.

"Ash is the winner." Cynthia said gleefully, recalling Garchomp. "So let's get that badge and head straight for the next gym."

"I got the whatever-the-fuck this badge is!" Ash froze frame for a few seconds. He then pried Misty off of his belt buckle and walked out. He could hear pleas from the redhead behind him along the lines of 'the carpets match the drapes.'

 **x**

"There is no fucking way I can be bothered to walk all the way to Vermillion city. Nothing even interesting happened along the way the first time around." Ash complained to his peers.

"Well, there was that one incident with the furry." Brock said. "At the lighthouse."

"Furry?" Cynthia asked.

"It was the guy called Bill. Dressed up like Pokémon for 'scientific research.' Brock explained to her.

"Unless it was research into how Pokémon breed, I highly doubt that." Ash said. "Hey, Brock, isn't that what you did for a while?"

"It was a sad, lonely time in my life where the only comforts came from putting my finger in Vulpix's –"

"I'm going to stop you right there." Cynthia said. "Let's go meet a furry then."

 **x**

"Bill, answer the fucking door, you PERVERT." Ash screamed into the lighthouse door. "Fuck it, I'm gonna blast it. Charizard, just fuck shit up." Ash said, throwing the ball out and lighting the entrance on fire.

"I actually prefer this catch phrase to 'I choose you'. I think it adds more depth to his character." Cynthia said.

"And it's fucking cool." Brock added.

"Uh, guys. This… is not what I wanted to see." Ash called from inside the lighthouse. Brock and Cynthia walked in. Only one of them had a strong enough stomach to not puke everywhere. Spoiler: Cynthia kept her lunch down. Bill was decomposing, a rope tied around his neck and his dick out. It was slightly more disturbing that he had painted faces on his balls and shaft to make it look like a Dugtrio.

"Erotic asphyxiation." Cynthia said.

"He died doing what he loved." Ash replied, talking over the sound of his Thai friend retching.

"What are you doing?" Cynthia asked him as he walked over to Bill's balls. Pokéballs.

"It's what he would've wanted." Ash said, releasing them all and pointing to their former owner. He left the lighthouse guiding Cynthia and Brock out.

"You're letting them pay their last respects?" Cynthia asked him.

"Yeah fucking right." Brock said, shooting a vomit snot rocket out of his nostril. "Ash let them out so they could rape his dead body one last time before they eat him." Brock said.

"That's what Bill would've wanted?"

"That's what Bill would've wanted." The two boys replied in unison.

"Got to let nature take its course. Circle of life and that. One day you are fucking Pokémon arseholes, the next day they're fucking yours." Ash said.

"Strangely poetic." Cynthia added.

 **x**

"Vermillion city!" Brock said.

"You know what that means!" Ash said to him. They both looked at the blonde to ask them the question. She just sighed.

"What?" She gave in after they stared at her for thirty seconds without blinking.

"Boat party!" They cried simultaneously.

"The SS Anne sunk years ago, guys. Hate to sink your ship, ahah. Pun definitely intended."

"The SS Anne? Fuck that." The Filipino said.

"We are going on the SS Charlie." Ash finished.

 **x**

"I can see why it's called the SS Charlie now." Cynthia said at the pair, who were currently nostrils deep in piles of pure Alola cocaine. They were on a party yacht with blaring music, fake tanned girls and piles and piles of drugs.

"There's no laws at sea! I fucking love coke." Ash said at his friends, eyes bulging from his face. "I love the way it makes me feel. I feel so alive. Like I want to die."

"Pika pika." His yellow partner agreed with him. His fur was crusted over with white powder. Cynthia had even seen the rat do a line off of a lady Pikachu's tail.

"Cynthia you need to do some of this. This is unbelievable stuff." Brock said to her, gumming a white finger under his tongue.

"I have regular drug tests since not only am I part of the Elite 4, but also the international police." Cynthia said. The music stopped and everyone around her looked at her in fear.

"I've got my own evidence room supply bitches!" She said, pulling a fat brick from her pocket as the whole crowd cheered and wiped away their bloody noses.

 **x**

"Arceus, it's Thursday. We spent four days on that yacht getting fucked up. My body feels like it wants to curl up and die." Cynthia said. The three were currently at a centre, sharing a triple room. "Is there a hangover cure for cocaine?" She asked.

"Yeah," Brick replied, "It's more cocaine." The three laughed together, and simultaneously groaned when they all felt the same abdominal pain.

"It's been really fun travelling with you guys so far. I have actually really enjoyed myself." She said.

"It's been a pleasure to have you." Replied Ash. "Also, I appreciate you letting me do that line off your arse. That's one thing ticked off my bucket list."

"I let you do a what?" Cynthia said.

"Yeah, I didn't think you would remember, you were pretty fucked up." Ash said.

"Why is doing a line off a girl's bum on your bucket list anyway?"

"It's not – but doing a line off a Champion's bum is, and Lance is a bit more straight laced."

 **x**

 **If any of you are still alive, please review. This is more for my own enjoyment nowadays, probably see you in 2021 lol. In other news, I'm actually writing my own book. Like a real serious book. Love you all forever.**

 **X**


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